tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post7321297924851072743..comments2008-05-12T12:00:09.401-05:00Comments on From Erebus: Piper and the Gren - Part 8 (Epilogue)Moksha Grenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10585999080521869550noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-25133761737014866452008-05-12T12:00:00.000-05:002008-05-12T12:00:00.000-05:00Very well-done story. By the end of Chapter 7 I k...Very well-done story. By the end of Chapter 7 I knew whose funeral it would be, but I suppose it was obvious by then :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-34704521977874509662007-11-23T12:10:00.000-06:002007-11-23T12:10:00.000-06:00Great story, when is the next one? ;-)Great story, when is the next one? ;-)alhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12330912850864917649noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-1161391004680453562007-11-04T23:39:00.000-06:002007-11-04T23:39:00.000-06:00Moksha,You had the good graces to email me your fi...Moksha,<BR/><BR/>You had the good graces to email me your final chapter before I left on holiday, so those comments I emailed back shall stand largely in lieu of a grander comment here at your end. Well, your story's end. Though I do hope this comment also sort of stands as a sneer to anyone else who reads it that I got dibs on the last chapter before anyone but the author and his editor saw it.<BR/><BR/>Ha!Simonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06946639624660520997noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-48231950948434222652007-10-31T20:53:00.000-05:002007-10-31T20:53:00.000-05:00TALTAP WUZ HERE!There, tagged your story for ya! ...TALTAP WUZ HERE!<BR/><BR/>There, tagged your story for ya! <BR/><BR/>Actually I finished this Monday night, but I've been procrastinating on my response. My earlier private critiques were pretty much mollified, especially the one about Critter. At the time I thought he was going to have a much larger role in the story, but then Oliver Blair took over a lot of those responsibilities. <BR/><BR/>With regards to the dialog, like CBB I think once you settled into the story a lot of issues kind of cleared up. Maybe I'm biased, but thinking back to my own glorious past 12 year olds can be fairly serious people. At least during those brief moments between bouts of manufactured drama. That's the age when I first began what I still consider relatively deep religious and political internal dialog. And then there's the gren running by the window...<BR/><BR/>What really got me though is that I see a lot of parallels between your story and the little project I've been working on. Mayhaps someday it'll be finished and you can mock me for ripping off various thematic elements.Jesse Erdmannhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07621101401780991541noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-8393959312295203802007-10-31T12:54:00.000-05:002007-10-31T12:54:00.000-05:00Again, outstanding story!I too, from the title to ...Again, outstanding story!<BR/><BR/>I too, from the title to subtle hints, knew somehow that the gren would be a good person/thing too soon, but that's not really a bad thing.<BR/><BR/>And yes, a bit more about Piper, earlier on would set the tone and attach us a bit more to her.<BR/><BR/>Overall, an A in my book!Davehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15759192880485404885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-57830076363355129322007-10-30T21:28:00.000-05:002007-10-30T21:28:00.000-05:00Susan - Glad to have you aboard!Mark - Thanks. The...Susan - Glad to have you aboard!<BR/><BR/>Mark - Thanks. The sign language made an appearance for several reasons. First, I wanted to avoid the gren speaking. I couldn't picture it without imagine bad cg lip movements in my head. So I opted early on to have his vocal chords destroyed outside of Edinburgh. It seemed logical to me that he'd be able to communicate this way (even with his missing fingers.) Second, I was watching a lot of "Signing Time" videos with Norah. And Thee, I grew up watching my cousin Sarah sign and liked the idea of a silent nod in her direction.<BR/><BR/>Jet - True, I probably should have specified that the assault was NOT something I took from your life. But when looking for something truly heavy for a little girl to confess to the gren...I landed very quickly on your problematic dip into drug dealing.<BR/><BR/>Polly - Wow, the Seattle Lurker shows herself! And it's wonderful to see you. I suppose it was inevitable that I'd end up beating my head against this thing called prose again. Thanks for having faith. Although I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to call myself a writer just yet. Let me get a few more stories under my belt and maybe even a few readers who aren't existing friends or family...then we'll talk ;)<BR/><BR/>Mouse - I know many people avoid the installment reading. Personally, I love it; so writing for this format suits me. As for forgetting who's who...I suggest walking around mulling over the finer points of my stories. If you spend an inordinate amount of time contemplating the story...you'll be sure to remember who is who. That's what I'd suggest for my next story. But, if you'd rather wait...I won't hold it against you ;)<BR/><BR/>Jess - True. I guess I was actually ok with the "human" criticism leveled against the signing. While I didn't put a huge spotlight on it, it was important to me that the gren turned out to be the more human of the two monsters introduced in this story. Oddly, signing seems more human to me than speech. Even the goblins are able to spit out a word or two. <BR/><BR/>Elsa - I'm not really sure who my target audience is. I wrote this story, I guess, for an older Norah and for myself. So it's full of stuff I think is cool. And while it deals with adult issues like death, drugs, and rape, it does so in a way that I'd let my pre-teen daughter read as an opening to discussion. So, while I didn't really set out to write a kid's story, I guess that's what I ended up with. And I'm ok with that. And though it may seem strange to have Gen-X nods in a kid's story...I tried to keep them peripheral. I look forward to explaining them to tweener Norah someday.<BR/><BR/>As for why exactly I set it in 1995. Simple, when I started writing this, I had yet to map out where I wanted the story to go after the curtain closed on this tale. I knew I'd write more, but I refused to allow myself to get sidetracked with the whole grand saga until I got a rough draft done. One of my great problems in the past has always been that I'd create a simple story...something nice and easy to practice my fiction. But, by the time I started writing...I'd have blown it into an epic that was so complex that I hesitated to tackle it as my return to creative writing. This time I put blinders on and stayed the course. However, to do that, I had to leave myself wiggle room for future stories. I figured by setting it in 1995, I had 12 years to play with.<BR/><BR/>Perhaps a more pragmatic answer than you were expecting...but it's the truth.<BR/><BR/>Emilie - No worries on the comments. I'm just thrilled you came along for the ride and liked what you saw. And as far as screen reading...I know some people print blog stories out to read at their leisure from actual paper.<BR/><BR/>I'm not sure I'd go so far as to ever call the gren a "nice little fuzz ball"...especially not to his face. He is certainly endeavoring to overcome his animalistic nature...but I don't think he's ever going to be cuddly. I don't think I'll be giving too much away by saying that this will be a theme in up-coming stories...the very human quality of "laying in the gutter with your eyes on the stars."<BR/><BR/>Also, while Piper's dialogue may, as previously discussed, be a bit advanced for her age...I'll stand by her analysis of folks like Critter. Notice that her insight into Critter's nature doesn't really start until the gren creeps past the window.<BR/><BR/>CBB - Thanks...both for the praise and the honest crits. I can't really disagree with any of them...other than maybe the one about Piper's past. I tried very hard to keep that hidden until Piper herself was willing to open up about it.<BR/><BR/>As for the rest...fair points, all.Moksha Grenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10585999080521869550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-90397339890197348232007-10-30T16:51:00.000-05:002007-10-30T16:51:00.000-05:00Dear Moksha,I enjoyed this story, and when each ch...Dear Moksha,<BR/><BR/>I enjoyed this story, and when each chapter was done I wanted to know more. That, in and of itself, means you've done some stuff absolutely right, my friend.<BR/><BR/>Meanwhile, in answer to your call for critique, here are some comments from a notorious hack, in no particular order.<BR/><BR/>* I felt that I was allowed to suspect too early in the telling that the gren was not a source of real menace, and that he would turn out to be a decent chap...uh, thing. This sabotaged some of the anticipation that had been building from achieving its ripest potential.<BR/><BR/>* I was confused at points by Piper's backstory (drugs, father). I think I needed some points spelled out for me a little earlier.<BR/><BR/>* Apart from the clue in the title, in the first chapter I was having trouble deciding who the protagonist was. You might want to cement that relationship between the reader and Piper a little earlier, for thick people like me.<BR/><BR/>* Your prose improved over the course of the telling. While the first chapter seemed to have undergone the most refining and care, it also suffered the most from some needlessly over-complicated phrases. As you relaxed into the telling you allowed your voice to become simpler, and I think it became much stronger that way.<BR/><BR/>Bring on the seque/prequel/*quel!<BR/><BR/>Love,<BR/>Cheeseburger BrownCheeseburger Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01384136287767500794noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-13088072810576534702007-10-30T11:39:00.000-05:002007-10-30T11:39:00.000-05:00P.S. - I forgot to say how much I enjoyed the blog...P.S. - I forgot to say how much I enjoyed the blog format. Feed reader + public transit made this perfect for me. In particular, I'd say you broke the story out into the perfect sized chunks. In fact, I had already been using DailyLit.com to read other books and stories in day-sized chunks by rss. Yours were just about the same length as what they use, so I'd say you have your finger on the pulse of the make-your-daily-reading-manageable movement! Of course it's no substitute for a gloriously bound hard copy someday...<BR/><BR/>-PollyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-35425307347957095062007-10-29T19:32:00.000-05:002007-10-29T19:32:00.000-05:00Way to set us firmly into the mood for Halloween! ...Way to set us firmly into the mood for Halloween! ;)<BR/><BR/>I would have liked to place more comments throughout, but as this is a longer read than the average post, life was usually calling for me by the time I was finishing a chapter, so time for commenting was cut. I have to say that - while I appreciate this blog form story posting (first real experience with it) - I find out I don't enjoy reading from the screen as much, for longer texts. But this isn't (quite) on-topic, so let's focus back on your story...:<BR/><BR/>I really like Piper. I have a little trouble placing her age, because I feel she's a little too keen on analysing other people and her environment, but then again I guess I'm comparing her to clueless me at her age. Plus, it's not a bad thing, if we're targeting a younger audience, to design smarter heroes: the readers shouldn't be underestimated and/or their heroes should have a way of thinking and attitude that the readers can look up to. Piper also reminds me of Harriet from Tartt's "The Little Friend" (a book for adults, but with children protagonists... and sort of scary to boot!). If you're thinking of using Piper again in future installments, Moksha, you might like to have a look at that novel... it's quite long, and NOT fast paced at all, but it's very nicely crafted, and it might hold some ideas for your young smart and brave heroin.<BR/><BR/>The gren is cool. I thought it was a nice blend of scary, spooky, creature, interesting, original, quirky and fuzzy. It's great that he's this very scary being that will turn out to be a nice little fuzz ball... in a while yet. Now he's just on the verge, which keeps a tentative air to the emerging friendship.<BR/><BR/>Bonus points for setting the climax in a cemetery at night!<BR/><BR/>I'm keeping the RSS feeds to catch any future installments, whenever they show up.<BR/><BR/>Good job, Moksha, and good luck with future writing. :DAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-84114117891766398472007-10-29T18:49:00.000-05:002007-10-29T18:49:00.000-05:00I thought you did a good job of keeping the reader...I thought you did a good job of keeping the reader intrigued by giving just enough information, but making sure to leave something for the reader to wonder about. That is very important for a reader like me. I will suffer through something that I am not currently enjoying (especially if there is just too much description/extra info) to get to the resolution for which I am waiting. I didn’t have to suffer through your story:) Just giving you some insight into me as a reader and possibly others.<BR/><BR/>Is your target audience children/preteens? I ran the first 3 parts of your story through the Word program flesh-kincaid readability and it scored at about a 5th grade level. That is good, if indeed, your target audience is children. One thought I have based on the assumption that your target audience is children: Is setting your story in the past around 1995 (before many 5th graders were born) an essential part of your story? I am asking because much of the fun background for us, Gen Xers, would be totally lost on the target audience. A good thing is that even if the reader doesn’t get some of the references, it doesn’t seem to affect the story too much. Also, some reader’s would be a little turned off by reading something that takes place in the past. I am a reader that hates picking up a story set in the 80s for which you can really tell is set in the 80s because it takes me out of the story a bit. Now that could just be me! Other people may be ecstatic to go back a decade. Strangely, I don’t have the same objection to stories set anytime before or during the 1960s.<BR/><BR/>These thoughts were given at random and by a person that has no writing talent - just a reader, never a writer! You can take 'em or leave 'em.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-48877734888192381142007-10-29T14:51:00.000-05:002007-10-29T14:51:00.000-05:00I loved the sign language thing. Weren't there so...I loved the sign language thing. Weren't there some gorillas that learned to sign? The explanation was that they didn't have the vocal apparatus to speak a human language, but they do have the right mental faculties for "human" communication.<BR/><BR/>This is also a great way for Piper & Co. to make a commitment to the gren. That's a lovely detail to include right at the end of the story.<BR/><BR/>Happy Halloween everybody!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14724970369226999619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-67683012030447440672007-10-29T12:45:00.000-05:002007-10-29T12:45:00.000-05:00It was a great story, Moksha, I enjoyed it very mu...It was a great story, Moksha, I enjoyed it very much. Although I think I may wait until the next installment has been completely posted, rather than reading it serially. I kept forgetting what name went with what character (also a persistent problem for me in real life) and got a bit frustrated.<BR/>I give it 2 thumbs up. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-5113272977280079702007-10-29T11:53:00.000-05:002007-10-29T11:53:00.000-05:00Congratulations, my friend. You are no longer a b...Congratulations, my friend. You are no longer a businessman - you're an author with a day job. I always knew it was only a matter of time. :) Next time someone asks you what you do, try "writer" on for size & see how it feels! I cannot wait for the next installment.<BR/><BR/>-PollyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-38378203407547706332007-10-29T11:07:00.000-05:002007-10-29T11:07:00.000-05:00I really enjoyed the story. I figured the ending o...I really enjoyed the story. I figured the ending out at the end of Chapter 7. <BR/>I am interested in what happens with the Gren and Piper. <BR/>Glad I could be an inspiration for the story. In case anyone was wondering, I was not almost molested in a cemetary by a guy named Critter..his name was Joe. okay..that's a joke. <BR/>Very well done Bro!Josh & Emilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10936598061495486883noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-11918074996408958152007-10-29T10:20:00.000-05:002007-10-29T10:20:00.000-05:00The sign language thing isn't that hard for me to ...The sign language thing isn't that hard for me to take, because real animals can do some of it already. The Gren, obviously more self-aware than animals in our known world, certainly should be able to sign.Markhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08722639974320971726noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-81199252496605178332007-10-29T10:19:00.000-05:002007-10-29T10:19:00.000-05:00Nice ending, with the suggestion that she's going ...Nice ending, with the suggestion that she's going to introduce her friends to the gren. What better way to help "it" understand friendship than introducing people who stuck by her when everybody else would not.<BR/><BR/>In future stories, I'll try to be more public with my more critical comments (instead of sending a cowardly e-mail). Seems I wasn't the only one with concerns about the dialogue.<BR/><BR/>That said, this was well-written and obviously you spent time on it. I hope future installments go, as you said, "faster than the first time," because you already have the story in your head, not because you'll be less careful in the telling.Markhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08722639974320971726noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-62563809181154318052007-10-29T08:42:00.000-05:002007-10-29T08:42:00.000-05:00I really enjoyed reading this and look forward to ...I really enjoyed reading this and look forward to reading more in the series!!!<BR/><BR/>I don't feel cheated but it definately left me wanting more. <BR/><BR/>Thanks for the good read.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-23115598407717243732007-10-29T06:35:00.000-05:002007-10-29T06:35:00.000-05:00Jess - I'm glad you liked it. I plan to take your ...Jess - I'm glad you liked it. I plan to take your knukleheaded dialogue concerns to heart. Moonshot had mentioned this as an issue before I released it, I opted to let it ride. It is clearly something that needs fixing eventually, but hopefully not something that takes too much away from the story as a whole.<BR/><BR/>I decided to share this story in blog form so as to get real-time feedback. That's not the same thing as real-time ego-stroking. Problems, while less fun to hear, are far better instructors than blanket praise. So, I appriciate your candor and hope you'll continue to share your thoughts in future stories.<BR/><BR/>For the sake of discussion, I'll even share a concern that was said to me in private. One reader said they didn't like the gren using sign language. They felt it made the gren too...human. Thoughts?Moksha Grenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10585999080521869550noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6608649341786781804.post-31341080723013469172007-10-28T23:42:00.000-05:002007-10-28T23:42:00.000-05:00Great story, Moksha. After reading the whole thing...Great story, Moksha. After reading the whole thing, it seems it would take a more knowledgeable editor than myself to suggest any improvements. (Although take my mid-story, knuckleheaded dialogue concerns however you want.) By all means, keep writing!<BR/><BR/>I did suspect it would be Medrier at the funeral, but I thought he would get there more violently. Conflict without violence is to be preferred, so I'm glad I was wrong.Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14724970369226999619noreply@blogger.com